Two people have a conversation in which an idea for role play is agreed on.  They both agree that idea is hot.  They then negotiate how this idea will be played out within limits that are safe, sane and consensual.  Negotiate means being transparent with what you like and don’t like, what is acceptable in play, and what is not acceptable.  Another way to describe this is stating your limits. 

Limits can start with a standard list such as

I do have limits. My limits are:

• No permanent damage.
• No breaking your toy.
• No drugs.
• No animals.
• No partners under 21 years old.
• No blood play.
• No scat or poop play.
• No smoking.
• No piercing, no temporary piercing, no needle play.
• No tattoos. (on me).
• No fluid (spit and pee are a fluids) exchange play.  Exchange means to place the fluid in to my body or near a place that it would go in my body. Spit and pee on my chest, back, belly, legs is not exchange.
• All oral, vaginal and anal penetrations are covered, I bring condoms and gloves for all toys.

You can then ask about a specific request, such as:  I would like deep throat kissing, is it possible to include this?  Spit is only dangerous if it has blood in it.  If you have a cut, scratch, blister, sore or open would (example:  you just had a tooth pulled), there are traces of blood in your spit.  For me, this is a hard NO.  If you do not have any of these conditions, then I am willing to kiss.  Not everyone is interested in kissing, therefore, it is easier and more direct for me to have a specific discussion regarding kissing with those who want to do this activity.

When you role play and have have both consented to an act that requires skill, you need to be clear on how to carry out that skill and you need to know if that act has a potential trigger.  Skills include how to spank, how to flog, how to use a crop.  If you have never had anyone demonstrate nor teach you how to use these tools and you want to use them correctly, I am happy to guide you, demonstrate, be your study toy.  This could be a whole session just unto itself.  It would be fun and instructive.  In a BDSM role play that includes face slapping, the act of face slapping is a trigger for a whole lot of people.  It is a trigger so high that you should get three times the consent before you include it.  Face Slapping is a highly developed skill.  You have to be able to do it without ever slapping the eye nor the ear.  It is easier to have control if you start with you hand close up to the fleshy cheek area.  Even so, a person can be triggered by the act.  I was face slapped by my Grandmother, and if you draw your hand up like you are going to slap me, I winch.  It is a trigger for me.  If you are to include face slapping in your role play, the slapper should ask “Do you have any experiences in your everyday life of being slapped?  If so, what were the circumstances? Is it a trigger?”  I do consent to face slapping using the up close technique and I tell the slapper I may cry.  I may cry because the memory is painful, more painful than being currently slapped.  It is also important to consider if you want your partner off in their head in a memory or in the present playing with you.  If your partner consents to an act that can trigger them, you must be ready to support them emotionally.  Personally, I would choose to do a couple face slaps up close and then move on to something else.  This technique allows my partner to process just the brief face slap slapping with me, builds trust, and we can always go back on another day an build on this trusted experience.

When asking for consent of a person to play with you for a specific amount of time, you are asking a person to turn over their bodies and emotions to you as a loan for a specific amount of time.  This consent is giving you a piece of power.  This cannot be done responsibly if either of the people are intoxicated by any substance.  One does not give power to drunks nor drug addicts, nor someone under the influence at the time.  One cannot give consent responsibly if you are under the influence of any substance (marijuana, drugs, or alcohol).  BDSM sadists and doms are not enacting their will on a victim; they are accepting the responsibility of giving a person an experience they have asked for and are responsible for the outcome.

All play requires an affirmation of “yes” from both partners.  “Are marks okay?” For me,  I have a different rate for markings (bruising) or marks that last one day and fade.  A nice rosy red, warm to the touch bottom after an erotic spanking is acceptable for my lower rate.  Bruising is not acceptable for my lower rate.  Breath play (controlling someone’s breathe) is very dangerous play.  Each person has their limits.  Ask them what they are.  Being choked out by a cock shoved deep down my throat needs to be negotiated.  For me, I allow it if you agree to release me when I pull back.  I don’t agree to violent throwing up more than once.  Gagging within reason is okay for me until I am dehydrated, then it is definitely not okay to continue and I need a water break.  Each person has their limits.  Ask what they are before you do this play.  Never assume because some edgy play is permitted that all edgy play is okay.  Ask your partner about each variable regarding the play you want to do before you play.

Verbal word use for humiliation or Race-play must be negotiated.  Don’t just start calling your play partner out of the blue “white trash”.  Words can be very reactive, very loaded for a person emotionally.  Ask first.  Race play wordage can be some of the deepest, edgiest emotional role-play tools.  Don’t just tell your partner to call you “Niggar.”  From either side of the negotiation table (Top and Bottom) it is crucial to ask first before you play.

Role playing is consensual pretending,  it is not BDSM without consent.  It is not violence and abuse.