From: {Insert a Made Up handle name here}

Did you really misspell Pacino and misspell Gigolo? You did. You really did. I mean what the fuck… seriously Pachino instead of Pacino and Gigalo instead of Gigolo??

Dear Sir,

Thank GOD you were assigned to be part of the Spell Check Police.

Robin Pachino spelled THAT way is how I have always spelled it. It is a made up name, my porn name and I can spell it however I wish. When you make up things one is allowed the creative license to do that. Al has never been upset with me and Robin Williams never noticed.

The Eros company has some words that they do not allow on their advertisements. I had to stop using my favorite flick “Real MILF’s of the OC” because the ad won’t publish with the word MILF on it anymore. It would not publish with the word “gigolo” on it either. The show “Gigolo’s” is therefore blocked also. You, however, and I are the only people in the world that have seemed to notice. Eros hasn’t and it is close enough that you know which show I am talking about.

Sometimes one has to go with what works.

Thank you for caring and wanting me to do things correctly. That is sweet. Have a good day.

Sincerely,

~Ann

No Photos nor Video were allowed at this event.

So much energy between the Ponies, Pups and audience. It was electrifying! Unforgettable! Such JOY and FUN shared by all.

There were 7 Ponies (Ginger, Speckles, Ebony Midnight, Phantom, Sunshine, Feargra, Rowena the Wonder Pony), one Zebra (Evolving ZeBra) and one Rapicorn (Lil Red) that competed in the races and jumps. There were 3 Pups (Eve, Demos, Puppeh Dawg) in the Greyhound Race.

If you missed Nina Hartley in a creme colored mesh catsuit by Winter Fetish as our sexy bunny running with the “bondage-bunny-on-a-stick” for our Pups to chase, you missed an incredible treat. just saying.

There were so many Ponies, we had two heats and then the top four time placements of those races, raced for The Queen’s Cup.

Queen’s Cup Derby Race

1st Place        Speckles
2nd Place      Pony Sunshine
3rd Place       Ebony Midnight

High Jump

1st Place        Speckles
2nd Place      Ebony Midnight
3rd Place       Evolving ZeBra

Hunter/Jumper

1st Place        Speckles
2nd Place      Ebony Midnight
3rd Place       Rowena the Wonder Pony

Greyhound Race

1st Place       Puppeh Dawg
2nd Place     Eve
3rd Place      Demos

Cart Race

1st Place       Sunshine
2nd Place     Rowena the Wonder Pony
3rd Place      Ebony  Midnight

 
Thank you to the Ponies and Pups for entertaining us. Bravo. Amazing. Wowie. An Unforgettable Experience!

It was an absolutely electrifying night with non-stop, heart-in-your-throat action and great fun had by all.

Two brand new ponies came out and strutted their stuff to the delight and awe of everyone.

The intrepid puppies were ferocious in their determination and showed huge heart whilst Nina Hartley was race bunny extraordinaire.

Volunteer cart jockeys experienced thrilling races as they tried something new and were wonderfully supportive of their cart ponies post-race.

All of the ponies showed impressive grace and beauty as they leapt over obstacles and dashed down the home-stretch.

Never has their been a more thrilling night of puppy and pony racing and, with this year’s impressive showing of participants, each progressive race promises to be just as exciting and entertaining!

Yes, this is a thing.

Being a resume, it should be only one or two pages. It would have a legal name, location, favorite photo. A resume is a brief summary of you, a snapshot of you, listing services you thrive in, S/M experiences, interests, desires, hobbies, something you’d like to try or learn. The idea being that you are sharing a brief summary of yourself so that you can find someone compatible with you for a lifestyle relationship.  If you are seeking a slave, you might want to ask for a resume.  You want to look at compatibility in a foundation, in basics that match.  A resume is not  an exhaustive list of skills, likes, capabilities and desires, it’s not meant to be.  It does start a conversation with being clear what you want and what you have to bring to the table.

Bullet points or Outline categories to include:

Objective

What is your objective? What are you looking for?

Example:

I require a Master/Daddy who desires to own and fully possess a dedicated, determined, and affectionate slave/baby-girl.

Next:

What real qualifications do you have as a slave-girl?

Qualifications

Domestic Services:

Example:

I am a service-oriented slave/baby-girl with a healthy appreciation for a well-kept home that reflects the attributes of love, peace, and joy. I am meticulous in my housekeeping duties, my favorites being vacuuming, laundry service, and organizing closet spaces and drawers. I am familiar with using a sewing machine; I can repair minor damage to clothes and also create simple curtains, table clothes, napkins, and other decorative items. One of my greatest joys in domestic service is cooking solid meals and on occasion, baking sweet treats. I specialize in creating healthy all natural meals that are pleasing to the palette and nourishing to the body. Special diet meals I am capable of preparing are low sodium, gluten free, and raw. Additional skills include silver, brass, and leather care.

Personal Attendance:

Example:

I am enthusiastic about providing personal assistant duties such as making travel arrangements; setting appointments; performing research; proofreading; and scheduling for both business and personal purposes. Personal grooming skills include clothing care and maintenance; dressing; manicure; pedicure; bathing and also relaxation massage.

Professional Skills:

What is your college degree in? What do you do for work?

BDSM & Fetish Experience:

Keep this short and in general.

Example:

I have extensive experience with impact play such as flogging, caning, body punching, and crops. I have a keen interest in bondage and experience with rope, belts, sacks, gear in it.

Health & Limits: (be honest, if you have std’s or HIV say so)

Skills, Hobbies, & Interests:

Cooking:
Maintenance:
Home –
Automotive –
Physical Activity:
Music:
Culture:

and what would subMissAnn’s resume look like?

First off, you would be mistaken in thinking I want to be an owned slave.  There are people who do want this, I am not one of them.  I am not a baby-girl type person.  I am a woman. I enjoy submitting for a specific amount of time, living my life fully, making decisions and goals for myself and having a positive, supportive relationship that is equality based.  Currently, I am not looking for a relationship.

In small amounts of time, be it an hour, a few hours, a weekend, one week, I strive to be the best possible submissive, mastering my submission and having that time be about you.  This, I truly love and it fulfills me.

so, thank you, I appreciate the opportunity to serve you.

_____________________________________________________________________________

1. PHONE NUMBERS ON YOUR BILL (1): Avoid ODD phone numbers from appearing on your cell phone bill that your wife/girlfriend/boyfriend/partner can see. Get a TracFone : http://www.tracfone.com – Found at many convenience stores for $0-$20 you can get a cell phone with out a bill or contract. You then purchase minutes to load on your phone. Then keep this phone at the office and don’t use it to call your wife/girlfriend/boyfriend/partner.

2. PHONE NUMBERS ON YOUR BILL (2): Stop receiving paper bills. Most cell phone providers offer PAPERLESS billing. Opt in for this feature and use an email address that your wife doesn’t have access to.

3. CLEAR YOUR PHONE HISTORY: Get in the habit of clearing out your phone call history. Most phones have this capability. Some even allow you to remove just the phone numbers you want to clear out of your history. If you must clear your entire history, do it immediately after your done for the day, then make a few phone calls to co-workers and family, this way you have a history in the phone and if the wife looks it doesn’t look suspicious like an empty history would appear. AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, CLEAR OUT YOUR TEXT MESSAGES!

4. LEAVE CLEAR INSTRUCTIONS ON VOICEMAIL: Avoid an unwanted call at the wrong time! If you have made some inquiring calls and left a voicemail, be sure to indicate when it is ok to call or text you back.

5. TURN OFF THE PHONE: Avoid an unwanted call at the wrong time! If you have made some inquiring calls during the day turn off your phone or put it on silent before you go in the house.

6. CREDIT / DEBIT CARDS (1): Avoid using your credit card or debit card. This is a paper trail.

7. CREDIT / DEBIT CARDS (2): If you must use a card, stop receiving paper bills. Most credit cards offer PAPERLESS billing. Opt in for this feature and use an email address that your wife doesn’t have access to.

8. CREDIT / DEBIT CARDS (3): Opt for a Visa Gift card. You can find these at many convenience stores. When you go shopping at store you normally shop buy one and throw away the receipt. This way it won’t stand out on your bank statement.

9. CREDIT / DEBIT CARDS (4): Get an EPassport card – https://www.epassporte.com/ – You can get these online and charge them up from your bank account. There’s no paper statement from E-Passport and you can use this as an ATM card or a credit card.

10. PAPER TRAILS: Get a PO Box – these are fairly inexpensive. Then you can send your bills you do not want her to see to this PO Box.

11.  LEAVE CLEAR INSTRUCTIONS REGARDING FURTHER COMMUNICATION:  Give me an email your wife doesn’t know or tell me if I may text you OR NOT.  I follow directions.  I obey.  I’m really good at this.  Seriously.  I text and email if I am returning to your area only if I have permission to do that so that you have the first opportunity to make an appointment.  I love seeing a gentlemen again and again.

These are just helpful tidbits of which you can ignore, use some or use all.

Ass Play goes with lube, like salt & pepper, pastrami on rye, Raggedy Ann and Andy. I personally think it is difficult to use too much lube during ass play.  Seriously. There are lots of different kinds of lube, water base, oil base and silicone.  Finding one you prefer means getting samples or trying different small bottles until you find one that you are happy with the product.  They keep making new brands of lube, so don’t just pick one forever, be open to trying different ones again.  Water based lube and silicone lube are fine to use with latex condoms.  Oil base lube is not good to use with a latex condom.  You might like water base lube for other sex play but not for anal play.  If you like it, you need to keep the bottle right there at hand so you can reapply because that area, the rectum is a mucus membrane,  is going to absorb water.  I love silicone lube for ass play and jacking off but it messes up the integrity of my silicone toys.  I love oil base lube with my anal toys.

Be aware that if you are dehydrated, anal sex maybe more uncomfortable.  Drink water before engaging in ass play at least an hour before.  Anal sex is not supposed to hurt, so if it does, you are taking the wrong approach or something is amiss.  Some people like pain,  discomfort and intense sensations but generally speaking, in regards to ass play, if it hurts more than you can stand, this is right before something gets torn or starts to bleed.

The Anal hole has suction power.  The sphincters of the anus are quite powerful and the inner sphincter is not easily controlled.  Anything doe snot have a wider base than rest of the object or a handle to hold onto can be pulled into the relaxed cavity.  Retrieving an object and getting it out is not always easy. Thus the notorious emergency room list of foreign objects retrieved from the rectum.

If you google “Ass Play”, “Anal Play”, “What can go wrong with Anal Play” (and I use google a lot – google is my friend), google gives you an immense amount of material and images that tell you

DO NOT

• Use a light bulb as a butt plug.

• Decide lube is for sissies.

• Use Bengay as lube

• Think a broom handle is a butt toy.

• Screw your girlfriend without lube.

• Screw your boyfriend without lube.

• Think a guy is gay because he likes butt sex.

• Think a guy is straight because he doesn’t like butt sex.

• Use Tiger Balm as lube.

• Use booze as an enema and wondered why they died of alcohol poisoning.

• Keep ass fucking after they say stop.

• Be certain that anal sex is sick and mentally unhealthy.

• Believe that sticking to butt fucking keeps a girl (or a boy) a virgin. Lets get this straight – You’re not a virgin. You’re a closeted, repressed, waste of a good slut.

• Use a banana, salami, cucumber, flashlight or a vibe without a flange base to stick up the butt, think your lubed fingers can hold it against the vacuum properties of a body and not think it’ll get lost.

• Believe that anal sex is always dirty and stinky.

• Be convinced that regular anal sex will stretch out a butt, anal hole and you’ll have to wear a diaper.

• Give yourself a chunky fruit yogurt enema.

• NOT wear a rubber because you’re sure you can’t get STDs from butt sex.

• Believe anyone you just picked up when they tell you their clean so there’s no need for rubbers.

• Wear a latex condom and use oil or oil based lube for ass pounding. And then wonder why the rubber broke.

• Be convinced that a girl can get pregnant from anal sex.

• Lovingly fondle butt or bare-hand fist after cutting chili peppers and not thoroughly washing your hands.

• Sit your naked ass and ass hole on a cat hair covered sofa when you’re severely allergic to cats.

• Grip a baseball for handballing to commemorate your team’s victory. Then wonder why it’s stuck. Better hope the ER surgeon’s a baseball fan too.

• Reenact “Brokeback Mountain” and just use spit for lube. Yes, it was a sexy scene, but don’t.

• Decide to make a mold of your rectum using quick drying concrete.

• Lube up with transmission hydraulic fluid, Vicks Vaporub or liquid latex.

• Push the handle loop of the anal beads up there for good measure. Then wonder how to get it out. • Insert four billiard balls. Three retrieved. Panic. Jump up and down. Run to toilet and bear down. Shoot last ball out like a cannon and break the toilet. Call the plumber in the middle of the night.

• Think that a string tied to the stem is a good safety precaution when shoving the apple up the butt.

• Run out of lube and use mystery lotion instead, then find their “parts” rubbed raw and bleeding. Then read the label closely to find out “pumice” is an ingredient of foot care cream.

Necessity may be the mother of invention. Profit may be the father of innovation. Sexual desperation is not a good reason for doing insane things.

To clear  up some myths about anal sex:

The only thing anal sex says about one’s orientation is that they have a pulse and their sexual brain function is on track. It doesn’t have any correlation with whom you like to fuck or be fucked by. The ass is universal. However you like to use it, we all have one.   Plenty of hetrosexual men enjoy prostate simulations of all sorts. Plenty of gay men don’t like ass sex. If a guy gets his ass pegged and “turns gay”, he’s been looking all this time for a good segue way to come out of a closet.

The Dragon never gets old.

Beauty, Ebony Midnight and Ginger Pony!

So cold I don’t have to worry about snow when I walk outside to local restaurants.  I’m wearing my mink fur hat, lambskin coat with a wool scarf and leather gloves.  I bought these to wear just for when I am outside of California. I never get to wear them at home.  They are too much there.  I’m very thankful for them right now.

Love my Chicago gentlemen, I always look forward to seeing you. Why do most of you call on the last day I am in town? My phone is going berserk.

and I have to pull off my leather glove to swipe the screen to answer it.  I tried keeping my hand in the scarf and fur lining of the top of my coat while chatting but it is so cold/frozen now.

Do you know what it’s like for a California girl to visit you?  I never talk about this when I’m with you because it’s not about me when I’m with you.

Dry lips are foolish and painful, not manly.  Lip balm.  Get on it, Sir.

You can also tame crazy licks in your goatee, beard and wily moustache hairs with lip balm. It’s made of the same stuff as styling products – wax and essential oils – so it’s safe to apply on your face. Just dab a little on your fingers, and rub it around to warm it up. Apply to the problem area, then use a clean finger or comb to smooth things out.

Eliminate the shagginess.

Get a proper hair scissor.  First, comb your sideburns forward (towards your nose), and trim any excess right along the natural line. Then, comb them back, towards your ear, and trim. Follow along the natural curve of your ear to snip away any fuzziness, making small vertical cuts, rather than big, chunky horizontal ones. You could repeat this every four or five days to keep things clean and crisp.

Then, if you’d like, comb or style your hair as usual, and begin to trim the back. You can use a secondary handheld mirror if you have one, but some small, short clips where the bottom of your scalp meets the thinner, curly neck hair will make a big difference.

Lastly, check your cowlick, part, and other transition areas, and make very small snips to naturally fade things back together. It’s amazing what removing 1/8-1/4″ of hair can do.

Exfoliate dead skin cells on your body.

Many men simply squirt shower gel in their hands, lather, and start washing. But your skin is covered with a layer of dead skin cells, so the combo of smooth hands, smooth soap, and smooth, wet skin simply glosses over that layer. Use a wash cloth or sponge or loofah (if you like them) that will lightly exfoliate the dead skin and, as a result, get you looking cleaner and fresher.

Shaving

I could write a whole piece on shaving…but for now let’s just cover:

Warm water opens your pores, and softens your beard, making it easier to cut. Keep things warm and steamy when shaving – soaking, rinsing, etc. Shaving in the shower (or just after) will make things plenty smooth.

Once you’ve rinsed and wiped down, splash your face with cold water to close your pores while everything is clean, which will further prevent burn and irritation. Only then should you lightly apply an after shave or moisturizer.

Smell like a man

I prefer you smell like you only clean.  If you like cologne, body wash, lotion, how about you get different samples at a department store, wear them and ask people what they think.  Your body chemistry changes the chemistry of these products. Find one you like and other people react best too.

Socks

I see a lot of socks.  White tube socks are for the gym, running and sports activities.  Colored socks are worn with your shorts, slacks, kilt. The stark contrast between your shoes and your pants and the (dirty) white of sweat socks works on exactly no one.

Get a mani/pedi

Seriously, the first thing I do for my lover (if he doesn’t already do this) is take him to my favorite mani/pedi salon.  Back in the 80’s I noticed slick, well dressed black businessmen got manicures.  Their hands were rad.  What is up with you white dudes?

If you’re in the workshop, the garage, or at the gym, your hands are going to show it. And that’s fine. But for most other contexts, you want your fingernails clean and trimmed; same goes for toes, and clean up those hangnails.

Like it or not, people will judge you by your hands. Whether you care what they think is entirely up to you, but at least be aware that the state of your hands, fingers, nails and toes says something about you. Make sure you like what it’s saying.

Trim your nose hairs

As we get older nose hairs get more intense.  So do the ones in your ears.  Frilly annoying, I know.  Trim them and keep them out of sight.

I am home in Los Angeles.  Packing for my Chicago visit and cleaning up.  Am I the only one with a plastic bag full of other plastic bags in the cupboard?